Men and Women of God: Leave Me Alone

DoorIf God has anything to tell me, The Lazy Fucker can speak to me directly instead of using brokers like you.

Not that I need any reasons for being left alone, but here are some anyway.

1. Please don’t knock on my door at the weekend or in the week to explain the benefits of surrendering my ability to think. I will tell you to leave and to stop wasting my time and yours. I will do this politely at first because I’m a decent human being and because I actually have a drop of sympathy for you. I believe we can all be saved, even the religious. But if you don’t like my polite approach I’m more than happy to do it the rude way, which is actually more fun for me. Your choice.

2. I know those bills won’t pay themselves and that we all have to put food on the table somehow (unless you can think of an easy way of feeding thousands with only limited resources?) but I can’t stomach middlemen. Leeches. Think estate agents and mortgage brokers. Yuck.

3. I figure He’s spoken to people directly in the past (and apparently continues to do so: to you) so He can do it again, to me.

4. It’s incredibly rude of Him to speak to you about me, but not to me about me. For a deity He seems to have an unmistakably human characteristic: gossiping. Wonder why that is. I hate gossips.

5. You might misinterpret what He’s saying. After all you’re only human (born to make mistakes…) and you’re therefore worthless, weak, imperfect and sinful whereas He’s…drum roll…God. Haaa-lle-lujah! Humans and God are two very different things. If science and religion are “Non-Overlapping Magisteria” then this doesn’t bode at all well for conversations between humans and God. And to think, they say inter-faith dialogue between humans can be tricky. As a trainee solicitor some years ago part of my duties included attending meetings to take minutes. That might sound like an easy enough task to a heavyweight scholar of theology like yourself but believe me, it really wasn’t – and the people in the meetings were humans. Well sort of. They were big swinging-dicked partners in a law firm although they did like to think of themselves as gods. And just think how difficult it is to read prescriptions from doctors (who are often accused of playing God – but in all fairness if they won’t, who will?). Look, what I’m trying to say here is: what makes you specifically qualified to take accurate deity dictation?

6. You might be mistaking His apparent instructions for something else. Like, like, I don’t know…your own mental illness, perhaps? There are plenty of crazies out there. No offence. If you are fooked in the head then you have my genuine sympathy but the last thing I need to do is take life-coaching skills from a maniac, and the first thing you need to do is take heavy-duty advice from a qualified medical professional. And I really must stress the term “qualified medical professional” here. This is not the same as a “witch doctor” or anyone who prescribes “prayer” as a remedy for a debilitating medical condition.

7. Don’t accuse me of being intolerant or disrespectful. I give your religion as much tolerance and respect as it gives me and others.

8. Don’t tell me you’re offended because I don’t care. It could be worse. You could have your rights infringed. Oh and your religion offends me on a daily basis.

9. Tell you what, let’s do a deal. If I want anything to do with your religion I’ll call you. You lot are pretty loud, it’s not easy to miss you. I’m sure I’ll be able to find you if I need to. Or maybe I’ll just set up my own franchise.

10. I simply can’t and won’t overlook the possibility you’re just – how can I put this delicately – a devious fucking liar who likes to use, scare and control other human beings because of your own inadequacies, neuroses and lust for power.

Oh look there’s ten of them.